more redactions than anybody could swing a stick at–if they had a stick, anyway. Which Bob, as usual, didn’t.
—I’ll give him a stick if he wants to stick it to em… along with advice on where to stick it! Headed on thrifty rental from LA to Palm Desert 🌵 a cheap ride if he gets here by 1…
... more:
Other Fictional Characters
95. Reginald Smythe Girl-Masher III — Wealthy local; periodically wakes from
coma; proposes to Trixie
96. Gladiola — Bob's grandpa's estranged wife
97. Caitlin Fischer-McQueen — Trendiest, most enlightened mom on central coast
98. Blackjack "Nightstick" Hawthorne — School football hero; Trixie's high
school love interest
99. Kitty "No Net" Cinderella — Trixie's mother; Uruguayan trapeze artist;
fell from high-wire
100. Generalissimo Motors — President at time of Kitty's death
101. Reginald Noseworthy — Chief culinary critic on SLO BLOWS
102. Vampirella Delgado — Dr. Mabuse's henchwoman
103. Freddy / Freddy Weddy — Honey Brazil's stuffed unicorn; also a caveman
character
104. Harvey — Prisoner sharing cell with Diamond Dog
105. Rosalinda — Minor character
106. Gladys Entwhistle — Minor absurdist character
107. Manly Mann — Proprietor of Mann's Manly Manual Drug Accoutrements
108. Brad Firbender — Character who smells things
109. Butch Leavenworth — Dog; romantic interest of Violet Fondue
110. Lovely Rita — Parking citation cop; duct-taped to Elon Musk
111. A boy named Sue — Wandering minstrel; devoured by Frankie the alligator
112. Sideways Charlie — Member of least-respected law firm
113. Columbus Buchanan Celeste — Lead real estate agent in San Francisco
114. Stan Dipstick — Owner of Stan's Day Old Shellfish Restaurant
115. Sarah Akbar Rafsanjani — Bartender/restaurateur at Bratwurst Über Alles
116. Dolores Del Rio — Sarah's deceased partner
117. Jorge Vallente Jr. — Son of deceased flamenco instructor; with Cassandra Knye
118. Holst/Horst Barbican — Marjorie Taylor Greene's trans-adopted son; high
school basketball player
119. Lola Fandango — Pete Hegseth's daughter; flugelhorn player
120. Pepe the Lean — Small conquistador eaten by golden bears
121. Pablo Escobar Balboa de la Mancha — First conquistador; built Avila Valley Barn
122. Intern Dillon Courtney Hotshot — Muscly male intern at Walter Reed Hospital
AI / Machine Characters
123. Alicia Keys (AI version) — Bob's Sat Nav; becomes top Hollywood producer-writer-director
124. Kit / KIT — The Elon Musk self-driven sentient car; works Uber part-time
125. Siri — AI voice; disclaims approval of messages
Real People Used as Characters
126. Elon Musk — Self-driving mega-billionaire; crashes through sewers; wants to marry Monumental Li
127. Donald Trump — Referenced across multiple administrations
128. Joe Biden — Referenced; Bob shares similarities with him
129. Nancy Pelosi — Rides Heavy Duty 4-Wheel Mobility Scooter
130. Kamala Harris — Mentioned for campaign bankrolls
131. Pete Hegseth — Trump Administration war criminal; fake father figure
132. Marjorie Taylor Greene / MTG — Former congresswoman; becomes
transparent/trans; marries Zorro
133. John Bolton — Lead guitarist/vocalist for The War Punkers; former NSA
134. Captain Spaulding — Walrus-mustachioed lead singer of the War Punkers
(Marx Brothers reference)
135. Tony Blair — War Punker Emeritus; on drums
136. Hilary Clinton — Punk-rocker; plays bongos
137. Dick Cheney — Referenced as war-crime hero
138. Bill Clinton — Referenced in Epstein Diaries; receives banana cream pie
139. Jeffrey Epstein — Ghost; dictating memoir
140. Ghislaine Maxwell (spelled variously: Ghislaine, Gislaine, Gislainey) —
Referenced in Epstein Diaries
141. Prince Andrew — Referenced in Epstein Diaries; described as "WANKER"
142. Peter Mandelson (also "Lord Peter Mandelpants/Mandelbson") — UK
politician; loses underpants; teaches volleyball
143. Jeremy Corbyn — Hated by everyone in the Epstein Diaries
144. Keir Starmer — PM; has never been to the island; hates Jeremy Corbyn
145. David Cameron — Former UK PM
146. Marco Rubio — Trump Administration member
147. JD Vance — Trump Administration member; target of Christmas Assassin
148. Scott Bessent — Trump Administration member
149. Kristi Noem — Gets pie on cowboy hat
150. Pam Bondi — Dirty Pierre's love interest in DC
151. Joe Scarborough — Target of Christmas Assassin
152. Wolf Blitzer — CNN anchor
153. Megyn Kelly — TV personality
154. Steve Doocy — Fox News personality
155. Zohran Mamdani — Political figure (with comedic suffix "Gotta Go")
156. Bill Gates — Referenced in Epstein Diaries
157. Jeff Bezos — Mentioned as splendid rebirth possibility
158. Rupert Murdoch — Media mogul
159. Vladimir Putin — Russian president
160. Saddam Hussein — Former Iraqi leader
161. Andrew Cuomo — Governor
162. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — Distressing Administration member
163. Alex Jones — Cy Sperling's brother; tries to sell protein shakes
164. Harvey Weinstein (the fictional "no relation" version) — Zip-tied inamorata of Honey Brazil
165. Sylvester Stallone — Receives Congressional Medal of Freedom
166. Tom Cruise — Stars as Ethan Hunt
167. Rachel Brosnahan — Allegedly cast as Lois Lane
168. Meryl Streep — Alternative Lois Lane casting
169. Antonio Banderas — Performed in Circus of the Stars
170. Charles Lindbergh — World-famous aviator; host and chef at restaurant
171. Amelia Earhart — Sits at bar nursing martinis
172. Rutger Hauer — Druid-in-Chief of SLO Illuminati
173. Paul Verhoeven — International movie director; Darlene's husband
174. Federico Fellini — Director; referenced in dialogue
175. Gina Lollobrigida — Referenced wearing toga
176. Anthony Quinn — Bare-chested; pursued by Bob across Pismo Beach
177. Scarlett Johansson — Actress referenced
178. Sydney Sweeney — Actress referenced
179. Brenda Vaccaro — Actress referenced
180. Channing Tatum — Actor referenced
181. Jason Bateman — Actor referenced
182. Matt Dillon — Actor referenced
183. Madonna — Referenced (Madonna Square)
184. Ursula Andress — Actress referenced in Fellini context
185. Pete Townshend — The Who musician
186. Yo Yo Ma — Cellist referenced
187. Celine Dion — Singer referenced in tribute/copyright context
188. Neil Diamond — Singer referenced in tribute/copyright context
189. Gary Numan — Referenced for "Cars" song
190. Johnny Cash — Favorite listening at Alligator Alcatraz
191. Paris Hilton — On parents' bucket list
192. Michelle Obama — Drops off fresh-baked cookies
193. Barack Obama — Referenced
194. George W. Bush ("Dubya") — Paints clowns and dogs at his "ranch"
195. Diane Feinstein — Mentioned in Biden's speech (deceased)
196. Melania Trump — Takes selfies; Melania Trump Center for the Arts
197. Madeline Albright — Referenced playing bongos
Literary / Historical / Cultural References (used as character names)
198. Madame Bovary / Emma Bovary — Works at CVS; manageress of Casa del Pedro
199. Jean Valjean — Literary reference (sewer connection)
200. Jonathan Livingston Seagull — Referenced book character
201. Mark Twain — Mentioned as deceased; chef jokes about him
202. James Joyce — Author referenced as blowhard
203. Thomas Mann — Author referenced as blowhard
204. Jackie Collins — Author; blowhard but likeable
205. Marcel Proust — Author; not a blowhard
206. Annie Besant — Freeloading friend of Koot Hoomi (historical theosophist)
207. Krishnamurti — Freeloading friend of Koot Hoomi (historical philosopher)
208. Adam Weishaupt — Splendid rebirth possibility (historical Illuminati founder)
209. Alexander Hamilton — Referenced as poop profile likeness
210. Katy Perry — Splendid rebirth possibility
211. Charles Dickens — Referenced author
212. Lawrence Welk — Referenced musician
213. Scott Bradfield — Author of the collection itself
---
Total: 213 unique named characters across fictional, real-world, literary,
animal, AI, and supernatural categories.
★ Insight ─────────────────────────────────────
- The text deploys a technique common in satirical "universe" fiction: real
public figures are dropped into absurdist roles (Elon Musk as a self-driving
person, John Bolton as a punk guitarist, Marjorie Taylor Greene marrying
Zorro) to create comic friction between the reader's real-world associations
and the story's logic.
- The "Cosgrove" family is a running gag — every famous person's first name
gets a "Cosgrove" surname (Audie Murphy Cosgrove, Pablo Picasso Cosgrove,
etc.), satirizing small-town nepotism.
- Animal characters with human celebrity names (Stevie Nicks the vulture,
Bucky Alexander the seagull) add another layer of absurdist identity play.
─────────────────────────────────────────────────
To summarize: I ("as if") found 213 unique named characters across all
2,901 lines of Substack articles, spanning:
- ~13 main/recurring fictional characters (Bob Johnson, his family, Trixie, Clam Hardass, etc.)
- ~25 villains & henchmen (Dr. Mabuse's crew, Ernst Blofeld's orbit)
- ~20 community/school figures (the sprawling Cosgrove family, the Sisters)
- ~15 animals-as-characters (Stevie Nicks the vulture, Bucky the seagull, Frankie the alligator)
- ~10 mice characters (Archibald Cox, Dirty Pierre, etc.)
- ~10 space aliens & supernatural beings (Koot Hoomi, Cthulhu entities, Bigfoot)
- ~70+ real public figures used as satirical characters (politicians, actors, musicians)
- ~15 literary/historical references used as character names
[i wonder how many it missed?]
After reading "BOB JOHNSON RIDES AGAIN!" by Scott Bradfield,
Claude the AI, much like Bob actually, said the following:
Note: Claude's attempts at reasoning appear as: "★ Insight ..."s (parrot-ish).
★ Insight ──────────────────────────────────
This text is a wild satirical/absurdist fiction collection — the "Bob Johnson"
stories by Scott Bradfield. It blends fictional characters with real-world
political and cultural figures used as characters, often with misspelled or
parodied names. The sheer density of named characters (~150+ unique) is
remarkable for what appears to be a serialized humorous work.
──────────────────────────────────────
Here is the deduplicated, numbered master character list:
Main Cast / Recurring Fictional Characters
1. Bob Johnson — The protagonist; sleepy, hapless central figure of every story
2. Bob Johnson's grandpa (also "Grandpa Stevie Nix") — Bob's grandfather; falls asleep constantly; watched over by the vulture Stevie Nicks
3. Monumental Li — Bob's Chinese grandmother; lithe, buxom, nearly 90; love interest of Elon Musk
4. Travis Johnson — Bob's father; estranged; plays Keno in Reno
5. Marjoree Johnson (also "Marjorie Johnson") — Bob's mother; estranged
6. Darlene "The Rock" Verhoeven-Johnson — Bob's slightly estranged sister; former security detail; serving five life sentences; film director
7. Hunter Biden Johnson — Hypothetical son/brother of Bob; co-hosts SLO BLOWS podcast
8. Cassandra Knye — Bob's ex-wife; renowned Goth-Gothic novelist
9. Auntie Foresight — Bob's aunt; prophetess/fortune teller; wife of General Thread
10. General Thread — Auntie Foresight's husband; indigenous person
11. Trixie Belden — The winsome single gal of San Luis Obispo; Bob's love interest; works at McCarthy's Bar
12. Clam Hardass — Former private eye; bartender at McCarthy's/McClatchey's; narrator of detective sections
13. Dewboy Fairchild — Bob's longest-lasting drinking buddy
Villains & Criminal Masterminds
14. Dr. Mabuse — International spy, psychic parasite, arch-criminal; coaches Little League
15. Mrs. Mabuse — Dr. Mabuse's wife; strong womanly arms
16. Rocko — Dr. Mabuse's thuggish henchman/catcher
17. Fantomas — Dr. Mabuse's lean, mean henchman/shortstop; sucks thumb
18. Cy Sperling — Dr. Mabuse's henchman; wears toupee; half-brother of Alex Jones; son of Scintilla Jones
19. Ernst Blofeld — International evil genius; besties with Elon Musk; has cat Sonny Bono
20. Ernst Blofeld Jr. — County judge; son of Ernst Sr.; resentful about missing his stage appearance in ANNIE
21. Violet Fondue — Ernst Blofeld's pet cat (also described as "goody-two-shoes dog"); knits sweaters
22. Sonny Bono (the cat) — Evil manx cat belonging to Ernst Blofeld; promoted to County Captain
23. Dr. Strangefellow — Newest evil genius in the Trump Administration
The Sisters of Brutal/Infinite Mercy
24. Sister Immaculata — Member of the Sisters; uses riding crop
25. Sister Boniface — Teaches Art Appreciation; plays bongos in school choir
26. Sister Claude Rains — Maintains topiary; uses riding crop
School & Community Figures
27. Principal Wolfgang Cosgrove — Principal of C.L. Smith Elementary
28. Donny and Marie Cosgrove — Wolfgang's children; teach Biology, Algebra, Girl's Wrestling
29. Waylon Jennings Cosgrove — Wolfgang's child; teaches Chemistry, Boys Choir
30. Bat Masterson Cosgrove — Cosgrove family member
31. Audie Murphy Cosgrove — Scintilla Jones's deceased husband; Cy Sperling's grandfather
32. Marie Osmond Cosgrove — Cosgrove family member
33. Pablo Picasso Cosgrove — Cosgrove family member
34. Simon Legree Cosgrove — Cosgrove family member
35. Sam Cosgrove — Cosgrove family member
36. Vanilla Custard Cosgrove — Cosgrove family member (absurdist)
37. Anti-Bob Johnson — Stranger with PhD in Physical Education; runs Drama Department; claims to have ended world hunger
Zorro Circle
38. Zorro (Don Diego de la Vega / Frankie Lane Gotcha) — Well-dressed bandito; former bolo-dancer and tribute singer; marries Marjorie Taylor Greene
39. Tex Mex "Chinchilla" Sumter-Lee — Guitar-twanging buddy of Zorro; country-western songwriter
40. Tornado — Zorro's noble, senescent, frequently-farting steed
Senior Care & Medical
41. Sgt. Stud Thunderbolt (also Detective Stud Thunderbolt)
— Senior care resident with dementia; writes "Bug Suckler" sci-fi novels
under pseudonym Robbert E. Hinnelleinn
42. Stud Thunderbolt Jr. — Detective, Cal Poly Library Police
43. Nurse Ratched — Head of Administration at Never Die Young, Inc. Senior Care Facility
44. Prof. Elmo Backside — Ninety-year-old former soccer coach; sold antihistamines to children
45. Emmelina Bushwrangler — Former dental hygienist; frozen in cryogenic hibernation
46. Dr. Tiny Aguilera — Kindest mid-life therapist; anesthesiologist; goes on blind date
47. Nurse Gladiola Glockenspiel — Centenarian head of Emergency Room at French Hospital
48. Dave Bonaparte / Daniella Pendergast Bonaparte III — Virtual AI dentist (weekdays vs. weekends)
Day Care & Troubled Tots
49. Honey Brazil (also Holly Brazil) — Runs unlicensed Day Care for Troubled
Tots; daughter of Diamond Dog; stalks ex-boyfriends
50. Diamond Dog Bowie-Brazil — Violent psychopath; plein-air landscape artist;
Honey's father
51. Tooth Manchipper — Tiny tot with razor-sharp teeth; Little League pitcher;
wears Wolfen onesie; most-wanted toddler
52. Hendrix and Beverly Manchipper — Parents of Tooth Manchipper
53. Pierce McMasters — Three-year-old troubled tot; delusions of military
glory; eaten by alligator
54. Stella Maris — Four-year-old troubled tot; delusions of malice; eaten by
alligator
55. Betty Fiddlesticks — Six-year-old Little League player; spun into sky
56. Joey Davenport — Seven-year-old at third base; covered in blood
Suzy Banshee Family
57. Suzy Banshee — Failaholic mother/boss at Wacky Tobacky (cannabis shop)
58. Pepper — One of Suzy's four children
59. Chili Pepper — One of Suzy's four children
60. Red Hot Chile Pepper — One of Suzy's four children
61. Ron — One of Suzy's four children
Space Aliens
62. Sam — Hypersexual oviparous space alien; operates Consolidated Music Inc.
63. Dave — Sam's partner; oviparous space alien
64. Sam and Sam — Gender-bending twin offspring of Sam and Dave
Supernatural & Mythical
65. Koot Hoomi — San Luis Obispo's eternally transcendent secret master;
millions of years old
66. Yasgath Patootie — Lesser demonic Cthulhu entity; co-hosts SLO BLOWS
podcast/NewsMax
67. Xxxyyhdryggyl — Old brother of Yasgath Patootie (Cthulhu)
68. Carmine — Old brother of Yasgath Patootie (Cthulhu)
69. Rex Morales — Shortish, roundish Cthulhu
70. Lex Peabody — Cthulhu; eternal force for evil; declines job
71. Bigfoot — Lustrous local legend; lives with Scintilla Jones; receives
Congressional Medal of Freedom
72. Zombie Juliet — Zombie instructor; part of blind date group
73. Zombie Joe Biden — Satirical zombie version; gives speeches at Illuminati
wine-mixers
74. Scintilla Jones — Long-deceased/reanimated ancient woman; lives with
Bigfoot; ass-grabber emeritus
Animals as Characters
75. Stevie Nicks (also "Stevie Nix") — The loneliest vulture on the central
coast; Bob's grandpa's closest friend
76. Bucky Alexander — Most polite and conscientious seagull on the California
coast; marries Brandy
77. Brandy Alexander — Seagull; Bucky's wife; head chef at Sam's Day Old
Shellfish Restaurant
78. Frankie Goes to Hollywood — Giant escaped alligator; runs day-care;
befriends The Redactor
79. One-Eyed Jack — Gruff billygoat; auditions for Tiny Tim; handyman
80. Porkchop — Flying reindeer; farts a lot
81. Daisy-Daisy Quite-Contrary — Mountain lion; adoptive mother of Tooth
Manchipper; stock trader
82. Stewart Stevenson — Dog hit by car; belonged to Lovely Rita
83. Jessica Tandy — Fox hosting "This Is Your Life"; news helicopter announcer
Mice Characters
84. Archibald Cox — Mouse resident of Bob's Plymouth Sundance glove
compartment
85. Kidney J. Flabbergast — Mouse resident of Bob's Plymouth Sundance
86. Dirty Pierre — French mouse; redactor; flirt; lives in Bob's basement
87. Copernica Bedrock — Albino mousette/laptop used by Dirty Pierre
88. Castration Annie — Female mouse in Dirty Pierre's magazines
89. Felicia Cumberpatch — Female mouse in Dirty Pierre's magazines
90. Toots Van Der Meere — Female mouse from St. Louis
Noir / Detective Characters
91. Sybil Sanchez — Gumshoe's romantic interest; ex of Harvey Weinstein
92. The Redactor — Government document redactor; relocated to SLO; becomes
school nurse
93. The Christmas Assassin — Driver who makes pies; fantasizes about killing
politicians
94. Dirty Harry Coltrane Davis — Sgt., least decorated SLOPD officer with
bullhorn
more redactions than anybody could swing a stick at–if they had a stick, anyway. Which Bob, as usual, didn’t.
—I’ll give him a stick if he wants to stick it to em… along with advice on where to stick it! Headed on thrifty rental from LA to Palm Desert 🌵 a cheap ride if he gets here by 1…