BOB JOHNSON RIDES AGAIN! 290
290. THIS TIME IS THE LAST TIME UNTIL THE NEXT TIME
290. THIS TIME IS THE LAST TIME UNTIL THE NEXT TIME
This time when Bob awoke in a circular bed with several attractive gay real estate agents in San Francisco he couldn’t let it bother him too much since they were in the middle of a new war, the same country, another Trump Administration, the last gasp, the most stupidity, the heaviest casualties to reason, the darkest obfuscations, the Pam Bondiest Pam Bondi, and more redactions than anybody could swing a stick at–if they had a stick, anyway. Which Bob, as usual, didn’t. (But the real estate agents didn’t seem to mind.)
“Don’t you worry, Bob,” they told him en masse. (Whether it was they who were en masse or Bob–nobody knew for sure.) “Your virginity is still intact, or whatever that state of being you call yourself. We didn’t take advantage of you and, come to think of it, we wouldn’t do anything that would so obviously take advantage of ourselves. The property market in SF is booming again! We’re making lots of money and dining out regularly! Boom, boom boom! The property market, we mean! Not you and us in this cool revolving bed which, if it doesn’t stop revolving–erp. Erp! Which way to the bathroom, Dirty Pierre? This damn bed of yours is spinning wildly out of control!”
To which Dirty Pierre replied, reaching for his hash pipe from the side table: “Eet eese to your left, monsieur and zee everybody else! For it is moi, Dirty Pierre, busy with my redacting of the current war and its inability to redact eet-self, or zee Epstein files, mon dieu! Sacre bleu! Please, Bob–eef that eese your real name–pass moi le hand lotion and le black magic marker! What a day! Mon dieu! I can hardly keep up with zeese redacting! XXXXXXXXXXXXX! Or as zee Epstein himself said when he was arrested for one of zeese many misunderstood crimes in which nobody was involved except himself–sacre bleu! Mon dieu! Merde! French fries! Zut alors! Did I say sacre bleu already? Well sacre bleu then! And I really mean it zeese time! Sacre bleu!”
BOB JOHNSON WILL BE TAKING A WELCOME BREAK FROM THE UNREDACTED WORLD FOR SEVERAL DAYS OR JUST LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO FIND HIS PANTS AND A CHEAP RIDE HOME.
... more:
Other Fictional Characters
95. Reginald Smythe Girl-Masher III — Wealthy local; periodically wakes from
coma; proposes to Trixie
96. Gladiola — Bob's grandpa's estranged wife
97. Caitlin Fischer-McQueen — Trendiest, most enlightened mom on central coast
98. Blackjack "Nightstick" Hawthorne — School football hero; Trixie's high
school love interest
99. Kitty "No Net" Cinderella — Trixie's mother; Uruguayan trapeze artist;
fell from high-wire
100. Generalissimo Motors — President at time of Kitty's death
101. Reginald Noseworthy — Chief culinary critic on SLO BLOWS
102. Vampirella Delgado — Dr. Mabuse's henchwoman
103. Freddy / Freddy Weddy — Honey Brazil's stuffed unicorn; also a caveman
character
104. Harvey — Prisoner sharing cell with Diamond Dog
105. Rosalinda — Minor character
106. Gladys Entwhistle — Minor absurdist character
107. Manly Mann — Proprietor of Mann's Manly Manual Drug Accoutrements
108. Brad Firbender — Character who smells things
109. Butch Leavenworth — Dog; romantic interest of Violet Fondue
110. Lovely Rita — Parking citation cop; duct-taped to Elon Musk
111. A boy named Sue — Wandering minstrel; devoured by Frankie the alligator
112. Sideways Charlie — Member of least-respected law firm
113. Columbus Buchanan Celeste — Lead real estate agent in San Francisco
114. Stan Dipstick — Owner of Stan's Day Old Shellfish Restaurant
115. Sarah Akbar Rafsanjani — Bartender/restaurateur at Bratwurst Über Alles
116. Dolores Del Rio — Sarah's deceased partner
117. Jorge Vallente Jr. — Son of deceased flamenco instructor; with Cassandra Knye
118. Holst/Horst Barbican — Marjorie Taylor Greene's trans-adopted son; high
school basketball player
119. Lola Fandango — Pete Hegseth's daughter; flugelhorn player
120. Pepe the Lean — Small conquistador eaten by golden bears
121. Pablo Escobar Balboa de la Mancha — First conquistador; built Avila Valley Barn
122. Intern Dillon Courtney Hotshot — Muscly male intern at Walter Reed Hospital
AI / Machine Characters
123. Alicia Keys (AI version) — Bob's Sat Nav; becomes top Hollywood producer-writer-director
124. Kit / KIT — The Elon Musk self-driven sentient car; works Uber part-time
125. Siri — AI voice; disclaims approval of messages
Real People Used as Characters
126. Elon Musk — Self-driving mega-billionaire; crashes through sewers; wants to marry Monumental Li
127. Donald Trump — Referenced across multiple administrations
128. Joe Biden — Referenced; Bob shares similarities with him
129. Nancy Pelosi — Rides Heavy Duty 4-Wheel Mobility Scooter
130. Kamala Harris — Mentioned for campaign bankrolls
131. Pete Hegseth — Trump Administration war criminal; fake father figure
132. Marjorie Taylor Greene / MTG — Former congresswoman; becomes
transparent/trans; marries Zorro
133. John Bolton — Lead guitarist/vocalist for The War Punkers; former NSA
134. Captain Spaulding — Walrus-mustachioed lead singer of the War Punkers
(Marx Brothers reference)
135. Tony Blair — War Punker Emeritus; on drums
136. Hilary Clinton — Punk-rocker; plays bongos
137. Dick Cheney — Referenced as war-crime hero
138. Bill Clinton — Referenced in Epstein Diaries; receives banana cream pie
139. Jeffrey Epstein — Ghost; dictating memoir
140. Ghislaine Maxwell (spelled variously: Ghislaine, Gislaine, Gislainey) —
Referenced in Epstein Diaries
141. Prince Andrew — Referenced in Epstein Diaries; described as "WANKER"
142. Peter Mandelson (also "Lord Peter Mandelpants/Mandelbson") — UK
politician; loses underpants; teaches volleyball
143. Jeremy Corbyn — Hated by everyone in the Epstein Diaries
144. Keir Starmer — PM; has never been to the island; hates Jeremy Corbyn
145. David Cameron — Former UK PM
146. Marco Rubio — Trump Administration member
147. JD Vance — Trump Administration member; target of Christmas Assassin
148. Scott Bessent — Trump Administration member
149. Kristi Noem — Gets pie on cowboy hat
150. Pam Bondi — Dirty Pierre's love interest in DC
151. Joe Scarborough — Target of Christmas Assassin
152. Wolf Blitzer — CNN anchor
153. Megyn Kelly — TV personality
154. Steve Doocy — Fox News personality
155. Zohran Mamdani — Political figure (with comedic suffix "Gotta Go")
156. Bill Gates — Referenced in Epstein Diaries
157. Jeff Bezos — Mentioned as splendid rebirth possibility
158. Rupert Murdoch — Media mogul
159. Vladimir Putin — Russian president
160. Saddam Hussein — Former Iraqi leader
161. Andrew Cuomo — Governor
162. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — Distressing Administration member
163. Alex Jones — Cy Sperling's brother; tries to sell protein shakes
164. Harvey Weinstein (the fictional "no relation" version) — Zip-tied inamorata of Honey Brazil
165. Sylvester Stallone — Receives Congressional Medal of Freedom
166. Tom Cruise — Stars as Ethan Hunt
167. Rachel Brosnahan — Allegedly cast as Lois Lane
168. Meryl Streep — Alternative Lois Lane casting
169. Antonio Banderas — Performed in Circus of the Stars
170. Charles Lindbergh — World-famous aviator; host and chef at restaurant
171. Amelia Earhart — Sits at bar nursing martinis
172. Rutger Hauer — Druid-in-Chief of SLO Illuminati
173. Paul Verhoeven — International movie director; Darlene's husband
174. Federico Fellini — Director; referenced in dialogue
175. Gina Lollobrigida — Referenced wearing toga
176. Anthony Quinn — Bare-chested; pursued by Bob across Pismo Beach
177. Scarlett Johansson — Actress referenced
178. Sydney Sweeney — Actress referenced
179. Brenda Vaccaro — Actress referenced
180. Channing Tatum — Actor referenced
181. Jason Bateman — Actor referenced
182. Matt Dillon — Actor referenced
183. Madonna — Referenced (Madonna Square)
184. Ursula Andress — Actress referenced in Fellini context
185. Pete Townshend — The Who musician
186. Yo Yo Ma — Cellist referenced
187. Celine Dion — Singer referenced in tribute/copyright context
188. Neil Diamond — Singer referenced in tribute/copyright context
189. Gary Numan — Referenced for "Cars" song
190. Johnny Cash — Favorite listening at Alligator Alcatraz
191. Paris Hilton — On parents' bucket list
192. Michelle Obama — Drops off fresh-baked cookies
193. Barack Obama — Referenced
194. George W. Bush ("Dubya") — Paints clowns and dogs at his "ranch"
195. Diane Feinstein — Mentioned in Biden's speech (deceased)
196. Melania Trump — Takes selfies; Melania Trump Center for the Arts
197. Madeline Albright — Referenced playing bongos
Literary / Historical / Cultural References (used as character names)
198. Madame Bovary / Emma Bovary — Works at CVS; manageress of Casa del Pedro
199. Jean Valjean — Literary reference (sewer connection)
200. Jonathan Livingston Seagull — Referenced book character
201. Mark Twain — Mentioned as deceased; chef jokes about him
202. James Joyce — Author referenced as blowhard
203. Thomas Mann — Author referenced as blowhard
204. Jackie Collins — Author; blowhard but likeable
205. Marcel Proust — Author; not a blowhard
206. Annie Besant — Freeloading friend of Koot Hoomi (historical theosophist)
207. Krishnamurti — Freeloading friend of Koot Hoomi (historical philosopher)
208. Adam Weishaupt — Splendid rebirth possibility (historical Illuminati founder)
209. Alexander Hamilton — Referenced as poop profile likeness
210. Katy Perry — Splendid rebirth possibility
211. Charles Dickens — Referenced author
212. Lawrence Welk — Referenced musician
213. Scott Bradfield — Author of the collection itself
---
Total: 213 unique named characters across fictional, real-world, literary,
animal, AI, and supernatural categories.
★ Insight ─────────────────────────────────────
- The text deploys a technique common in satirical "universe" fiction: real
public figures are dropped into absurdist roles (Elon Musk as a self-driving
person, John Bolton as a punk guitarist, Marjorie Taylor Greene marrying
Zorro) to create comic friction between the reader's real-world associations
and the story's logic.
- The "Cosgrove" family is a running gag — every famous person's first name
gets a "Cosgrove" surname (Audie Murphy Cosgrove, Pablo Picasso Cosgrove,
etc.), satirizing small-town nepotism.
- Animal characters with human celebrity names (Stevie Nicks the vulture,
Bucky Alexander the seagull) add another layer of absurdist identity play.
─────────────────────────────────────────────────
To summarize: I ("as if") found 213 unique named characters across all
2,901 lines of Substack articles, spanning:
- ~13 main/recurring fictional characters (Bob Johnson, his family, Trixie, Clam Hardass, etc.)
- ~25 villains & henchmen (Dr. Mabuse's crew, Ernst Blofeld's orbit)
- ~20 community/school figures (the sprawling Cosgrove family, the Sisters)
- ~15 animals-as-characters (Stevie Nicks the vulture, Bucky the seagull, Frankie the alligator)
- ~10 mice characters (Archibald Cox, Dirty Pierre, etc.)
- ~10 space aliens & supernatural beings (Koot Hoomi, Cthulhu entities, Bigfoot)
- ~70+ real public figures used as satirical characters (politicians, actors, musicians)
- ~15 literary/historical references used as character names
[i wonder how many it missed?]
After reading "BOB JOHNSON RIDES AGAIN!" by Scott Bradfield,
Claude the AI, much like Bob actually, said the following:
Note: Claude's attempts at reasoning appear as: "★ Insight ..."s (parrot-ish).
★ Insight ──────────────────────────────────
This text is a wild satirical/absurdist fiction collection — the "Bob Johnson"
stories by Scott Bradfield. It blends fictional characters with real-world
political and cultural figures used as characters, often with misspelled or
parodied names. The sheer density of named characters (~150+ unique) is
remarkable for what appears to be a serialized humorous work.
──────────────────────────────────────
Here is the deduplicated, numbered master character list:
Main Cast / Recurring Fictional Characters
1. Bob Johnson — The protagonist; sleepy, hapless central figure of every story
2. Bob Johnson's grandpa (also "Grandpa Stevie Nix") — Bob's grandfather; falls asleep constantly; watched over by the vulture Stevie Nicks
3. Monumental Li — Bob's Chinese grandmother; lithe, buxom, nearly 90; love interest of Elon Musk
4. Travis Johnson — Bob's father; estranged; plays Keno in Reno
5. Marjoree Johnson (also "Marjorie Johnson") — Bob's mother; estranged
6. Darlene "The Rock" Verhoeven-Johnson — Bob's slightly estranged sister; former security detail; serving five life sentences; film director
7. Hunter Biden Johnson — Hypothetical son/brother of Bob; co-hosts SLO BLOWS podcast
8. Cassandra Knye — Bob's ex-wife; renowned Goth-Gothic novelist
9. Auntie Foresight — Bob's aunt; prophetess/fortune teller; wife of General Thread
10. General Thread — Auntie Foresight's husband; indigenous person
11. Trixie Belden — The winsome single gal of San Luis Obispo; Bob's love interest; works at McCarthy's Bar
12. Clam Hardass — Former private eye; bartender at McCarthy's/McClatchey's; narrator of detective sections
13. Dewboy Fairchild — Bob's longest-lasting drinking buddy
Villains & Criminal Masterminds
14. Dr. Mabuse — International spy, psychic parasite, arch-criminal; coaches Little League
15. Mrs. Mabuse — Dr. Mabuse's wife; strong womanly arms
16. Rocko — Dr. Mabuse's thuggish henchman/catcher
17. Fantomas — Dr. Mabuse's lean, mean henchman/shortstop; sucks thumb
18. Cy Sperling — Dr. Mabuse's henchman; wears toupee; half-brother of Alex Jones; son of Scintilla Jones
19. Ernst Blofeld — International evil genius; besties with Elon Musk; has cat Sonny Bono
20. Ernst Blofeld Jr. — County judge; son of Ernst Sr.; resentful about missing his stage appearance in ANNIE
21. Violet Fondue — Ernst Blofeld's pet cat (also described as "goody-two-shoes dog"); knits sweaters
22. Sonny Bono (the cat) — Evil manx cat belonging to Ernst Blofeld; promoted to County Captain
23. Dr. Strangefellow — Newest evil genius in the Trump Administration
The Sisters of Brutal/Infinite Mercy
24. Sister Immaculata — Member of the Sisters; uses riding crop
25. Sister Boniface — Teaches Art Appreciation; plays bongos in school choir
26. Sister Claude Rains — Maintains topiary; uses riding crop
School & Community Figures
27. Principal Wolfgang Cosgrove — Principal of C.L. Smith Elementary
28. Donny and Marie Cosgrove — Wolfgang's children; teach Biology, Algebra, Girl's Wrestling
29. Waylon Jennings Cosgrove — Wolfgang's child; teaches Chemistry, Boys Choir
30. Bat Masterson Cosgrove — Cosgrove family member
31. Audie Murphy Cosgrove — Scintilla Jones's deceased husband; Cy Sperling's grandfather
32. Marie Osmond Cosgrove — Cosgrove family member
33. Pablo Picasso Cosgrove — Cosgrove family member
34. Simon Legree Cosgrove — Cosgrove family member
35. Sam Cosgrove — Cosgrove family member
36. Vanilla Custard Cosgrove — Cosgrove family member (absurdist)
37. Anti-Bob Johnson — Stranger with PhD in Physical Education; runs Drama Department; claims to have ended world hunger
Zorro Circle
38. Zorro (Don Diego de la Vega / Frankie Lane Gotcha) — Well-dressed bandito; former bolo-dancer and tribute singer; marries Marjorie Taylor Greene
39. Tex Mex "Chinchilla" Sumter-Lee — Guitar-twanging buddy of Zorro; country-western songwriter
40. Tornado — Zorro's noble, senescent, frequently-farting steed
Senior Care & Medical
41. Sgt. Stud Thunderbolt (also Detective Stud Thunderbolt)
— Senior care resident with dementia; writes "Bug Suckler" sci-fi novels
under pseudonym Robbert E. Hinnelleinn
42. Stud Thunderbolt Jr. — Detective, Cal Poly Library Police
43. Nurse Ratched — Head of Administration at Never Die Young, Inc. Senior Care Facility
44. Prof. Elmo Backside — Ninety-year-old former soccer coach; sold antihistamines to children
45. Emmelina Bushwrangler — Former dental hygienist; frozen in cryogenic hibernation
46. Dr. Tiny Aguilera — Kindest mid-life therapist; anesthesiologist; goes on blind date
47. Nurse Gladiola Glockenspiel — Centenarian head of Emergency Room at French Hospital
48. Dave Bonaparte / Daniella Pendergast Bonaparte III — Virtual AI dentist (weekdays vs. weekends)
Day Care & Troubled Tots
49. Honey Brazil (also Holly Brazil) — Runs unlicensed Day Care for Troubled
Tots; daughter of Diamond Dog; stalks ex-boyfriends
50. Diamond Dog Bowie-Brazil — Violent psychopath; plein-air landscape artist;
Honey's father
51. Tooth Manchipper — Tiny tot with razor-sharp teeth; Little League pitcher;
wears Wolfen onesie; most-wanted toddler
52. Hendrix and Beverly Manchipper — Parents of Tooth Manchipper
53. Pierce McMasters — Three-year-old troubled tot; delusions of military
glory; eaten by alligator
54. Stella Maris — Four-year-old troubled tot; delusions of malice; eaten by
alligator
55. Betty Fiddlesticks — Six-year-old Little League player; spun into sky
56. Joey Davenport — Seven-year-old at third base; covered in blood
Suzy Banshee Family
57. Suzy Banshee — Failaholic mother/boss at Wacky Tobacky (cannabis shop)
58. Pepper — One of Suzy's four children
59. Chili Pepper — One of Suzy's four children
60. Red Hot Chile Pepper — One of Suzy's four children
61. Ron — One of Suzy's four children
Space Aliens
62. Sam — Hypersexual oviparous space alien; operates Consolidated Music Inc.
63. Dave — Sam's partner; oviparous space alien
64. Sam and Sam — Gender-bending twin offspring of Sam and Dave
Supernatural & Mythical
65. Koot Hoomi — San Luis Obispo's eternally transcendent secret master;
millions of years old
66. Yasgath Patootie — Lesser demonic Cthulhu entity; co-hosts SLO BLOWS
podcast/NewsMax
67. Xxxyyhdryggyl — Old brother of Yasgath Patootie (Cthulhu)
68. Carmine — Old brother of Yasgath Patootie (Cthulhu)
69. Rex Morales — Shortish, roundish Cthulhu
70. Lex Peabody — Cthulhu; eternal force for evil; declines job
71. Bigfoot — Lustrous local legend; lives with Scintilla Jones; receives
Congressional Medal of Freedom
72. Zombie Juliet — Zombie instructor; part of blind date group
73. Zombie Joe Biden — Satirical zombie version; gives speeches at Illuminati
wine-mixers
74. Scintilla Jones — Long-deceased/reanimated ancient woman; lives with
Bigfoot; ass-grabber emeritus
Animals as Characters
75. Stevie Nicks (also "Stevie Nix") — The loneliest vulture on the central
coast; Bob's grandpa's closest friend
76. Bucky Alexander — Most polite and conscientious seagull on the California
coast; marries Brandy
77. Brandy Alexander — Seagull; Bucky's wife; head chef at Sam's Day Old
Shellfish Restaurant
78. Frankie Goes to Hollywood — Giant escaped alligator; runs day-care;
befriends The Redactor
79. One-Eyed Jack — Gruff billygoat; auditions for Tiny Tim; handyman
80. Porkchop — Flying reindeer; farts a lot
81. Daisy-Daisy Quite-Contrary — Mountain lion; adoptive mother of Tooth
Manchipper; stock trader
82. Stewart Stevenson — Dog hit by car; belonged to Lovely Rita
83. Jessica Tandy — Fox hosting "This Is Your Life"; news helicopter announcer
Mice Characters
84. Archibald Cox — Mouse resident of Bob's Plymouth Sundance glove
compartment
85. Kidney J. Flabbergast — Mouse resident of Bob's Plymouth Sundance
86. Dirty Pierre — French mouse; redactor; flirt; lives in Bob's basement
87. Copernica Bedrock — Albino mousette/laptop used by Dirty Pierre
88. Castration Annie — Female mouse in Dirty Pierre's magazines
89. Felicia Cumberpatch — Female mouse in Dirty Pierre's magazines
90. Toots Van Der Meere — Female mouse from St. Louis
Noir / Detective Characters
91. Sybil Sanchez — Gumshoe's romantic interest; ex of Harvey Weinstein
92. The Redactor — Government document redactor; relocated to SLO; becomes
school nurse
93. The Christmas Assassin — Driver who makes pies; fantasizes about killing
politicians
94. Dirty Harry Coltrane Davis — Sgt., least decorated SLOPD officer with
bullhorn