BOB JOHNSON RIDES AGAIN! CODA

CODA: THE FUNGUS AMONG US

CODA: THE FUNGUS AMONG US

…beep…beep…

“What’s that?” “What’s what?” “That beeping?” “What beeping?” That endless infernal beeping from that other spaceship you can see outside our portal.” “What spaceship?” “What spaceship? The one outside our portal that says Space X on the side. Which spaceship did you think I mean?” “What’s Space X?” “And it’s flying the American flag, which includes a surprising new element–a cartoon of Donald Trump having sex with Jesus.” “Who would want to have sex with Jesus?” “There it is again–that infernal continuous beeping!” “Maybe they just want to be left alone so they can have sex with Jesus.” I don’t think Donald Trump’s in that spaceship. He hasn’t finished destroying the planet he’s already got.” “Look, the doorway is sliding open and there’s a big neon arrow inviting us to enter.” “What neon arrow?” “You need to take off your sleep mask and pay better attention.” “What sleep mask? Where are we? What’s that beeping sound? Everything’s so dark.” “Just follow me, Sam.” “No, you follow me, Dave.” “Just one of us follow the other one and let’s see what’s in that space ship. It sure does smell.” “Yeech. It sure does. And what are those flesh-like pouches hanging from the ceiling?” “The dripping ones?” “The dripping ones that smell.” “Did I say Yeech or did you say it?” “At this point, I don’t think it matters.” “And look, a cute little mouse with a flashlight. What a cute little mouse!” “You, the one with the pencil thin mustache and the beret!” “And look, he’s graciously inviting us inside…”

“C’est moi! Bienvenue! Welcome! Eet eaze moi! Dirty Pierre, le Rédacteur, at your service, Monsieurs! Zut alors! Sacre bleu! Mon dieu! We have been having many adventures in zeese spaceship–so many adventures! First of course there was the lovely Pam Bone-dee and the equally lovely Elon Musk, and they making zee love all day and night as we travel, which was very passionate and beautiful but very disgusting as well! He would XXXXX and she would XXXX and then they would both do the XXXXXING and the XXXXing and it was very hard for moi to get any sleep! Mon dieu! Oooh-lah-lah But eventually their furious love making attracted this alien yellow fungus which it comes seeping through zee portals and it wish to do the XXXX and the XXXX with Pam and Elon until they all merge into these smelly fungus sacks which drip and zey smell as well. No? Oui? D’accord! And now there is just myself, Dirty Pierre, and I have all of zee food to eat and the redacting to accomplish, and how much of this I can take it is a question I cannot answer! Mon dieu! C’est moi! Would you like to travel the universe to-geh-thair, perhaps, and allow me to accompany you both and in return, perhaps, I could accomplish some redacting for you both? What do you say? Eaze eat a deal! C’est magnificent! Just give me une minute to get my big black pen and I am ready! Let us go explore the universe togeh-thair! And let us do it all without zee Pam Bone-dee and zee Elon Musk!”

(Until the next Trump Administration! Stay safe in the bathtub!)