BOB JOHNSON RIDES AGAIN! 285

285. I’M NOT A CHILD MOLESTER! I JUST HAVE BAD TASTE IN UNDERPANTS!

285. I’M NOT A CHILD MOLESTER! I JUST HAVE BAD TASTE IN UNDERPANTS!

Meanwhile, in the C L Smith multipurpose room, Lord Peter Mandelpants can’t help reflecting on the irony of his name remaining his name long after his actual underpants have disappeared into the enormous maw of the notorious Tooth Manchipper! Which has meant leaving Lord Peter to hide his modesty behind a large white terry-cloth gym towel.

At the pre-game meeting of his poorly attended girls volleyball squad, Lord Peter announces: “There’s been a lot of unfortunate speculation in the press lately about my so-called immoral criminal behavior over the last few decades, but suffice to say that I haven’t done anything wrong or actually illegal! Since when has there been a law against sharing state secrets with pedophiles, or sharing them with rich buddies–don’t you see the difference? Let me at least say that I’m thrilled to find three lovely new faces joining our girls’ volleyball team, and what a good time for us to introduce ourselves and step into the sauna together in our underpants–or, in my case, my white terrycloth bath towel! Can I trouble you lovely young ladies for your names, please? I’ll start by saying my name is Lord Peter Mandelpants (sans the underpants) and who might you you ladies be?”

At which point the rather stocky, grimacing, revenge-driven Ladies of Infinite Mercy have flung off their wool stocking caps to reveal their huge and only slight crumpled wimples! “Immaculata!” the first of the glowering sisters announces! “Boniface!” chimes in the second. And finally: “And Claude Rains!” At which point, in chorus, they shout: “And these are our riding crops–selected from Prince Andrew’s lovely barn! Ole!”