BOB JOHNSON RIDES AGAIN! 282

282. FAMILY REUNIONS TO COME AND GO

282. FAMILY REUNIONS TO COME AND GO

So while Bob was less than a hit and more of a “Let’s not do it again” sentiment that passed from one family member to another like the new, improved measles virus, Bob’s parents–the estranged (from him) Travis and Marjorie–have quickly come to adore Bob’s hypothetical son, Hunter Biden Johnson! In fact, you might even call them all “made to be hypothetically together.” So much so that Travis and Marjorie have already invited him to attend all their future family get togethers without Bob!

“First we’ll go to Molokai and stay at the Gold Card Hyatt, where we’ll be earning millions off dollars advising the Ukrainians on their oil consumption policies–which seems to be something you can help us with, you adorably hypothetical grand-kid! Then we’re going to Grenoble for the skiing, Chernobyl for the radiation poisoning, and Constantinople for the Bougatsa! What we can’t understand, Hunter, is how can such a handsome, intelligent porn addict such as yourself not already be married? We already want to introduce you to all our marriage age young lady-friends, but of course we don’t have any. Something about old geezers who do nothing but play Keno and try to avoid contact with their only son that seems to put these young ladies off. Who knew?”

Hunter, meanwhile, has been on the phone with his business partners, Sam and Sam–the universe’s most erstwhile and oviparous space aliens with an office underneath the San Clemente pier. Hunter’s latest app-invention is going tot take the world by storm, and all he needs now is a really good name for it. Mandelosity? Mandeliffic? Where’s Peter’s Underpants? No… no… not quite right… “Basically,” he tells Sam and Sam, while fending off the various boring-sounding invitations being foisted upon him by Travis and Marjorie, “it’s this app where you can create a CGI image of any person in the world wearing Lord Peter’s underpants! I know it’s a brilliant idea but thank heaven we live in a world where people know what Lord Peter’s underpants actually look like, and we do!”