BOB JOHNSON RIDES AGAIN! 274

274. KEEPING UP WITH CATCHING UP

274. KEEPING UP WITH CATCHING UP

Every so often, in order to take control of his own life to a degree unparalleled by the previous parts of his life when he didn’t take control at all, Bob Johnson lifts his head from his bar napkins long enough to be informed about latest developments in the three paragraph serial story of Bob Johnson, most of which pays little if any attention to the life of Bob Johnson as it is being lived (or not) by Bob Johnson. Most of these informative sessions are conducted by very attractive young women in San Luis Obispo who would prefer to inform Bob about things rather than be informed by Bob about things–which makes perfect sense, if you know Bob. Such as Lola Fandango, the eighteen-to-twenty-one-years old (reports differ) ersatz pretend daughter of Pete Hegseth who poses as his daughter in order to make him seem sympathetic (it doesn’t), and second chair flugelhornist in the CL Smith marching band. And if that sentence didn’t provide enough examples of why Bob has trouble keeping up with his life then I’ve got a 47th President in Florida I’d love to sell you!

As Lola reports: “Our newest resident, Dirty Pierre, spent a week or two making it clear to everyone in San Luis Obispo where he got the name Dirty Pierre; and when that got boring, he took a new job in government (they call it a ‘government,’ anyway), redacting French language documents which all refer to clandestine meetings between XXXX XXXX, XXXX XXXX, Madame XXXXX XXXX, Monsieur XXXX XXXX, and someone named Dirty XXXXXX, which has many of us worried that Dirty Pierre may be redacting the same documents he actually dacted in the first place. Recent examples include: “Ooh-lah-xxx! That’s sure a large XXXXX!” And “Zut XXXXX. Did Sarkozy really say XXXXXX?” Meanwhile, the seriously wounded Lord Peter Mandelpants has been shipped back to the United Kingdom (where, frankly, he belongs) just in time to witness Keir Starmer’s brave and glorious speech to the Scottish Labour Party openly declaring what a wonderful job he’s done for the Scottish Labour Party. In fact, look at my phone and you can see Keir Starmer right now, one country’s Prime Minister visiting another country, neither of which countries you’ve ever heard of! Which suggests they might really be important! Here he is now!”

“Greetings to everyone in the Scottish Labour Party! I am Keir Starmer! You may have heard of me! I am a very formidable fellow! I say lots of interesting things! I even do lots of interesting things, though sometimes I decide not to! I have come to Scotland to tell you that I have nothing to do with horrible men who misuse public funds to buy private homes, or lie to the world to start wars, or lie to the world to protect people who lie to the world to start wars, or take pictures of themselves in their underpants with Jeffrey Epstein–that’s not the kind of guy I am! However, upon due reflection, I have taken considerable pains to admit my failings. I am a flawed individual. I make mistakes–though sometimes I decide not to. I am here to take the Labour Party on a bold new journey into the future to save our country from terrible people who spend their times at fancy dinner parties drinking really nice wine and eating really nice food! We haven’t been entirely honest with you. We have made lots of mistakes except when we decided not to! But now I can say that Lord Peter Mandelpants will no longer be considered part of the Labour Party except when I decide he should be. Please welcome my fellow Labour peer, Gordon Brown, who wants to agree with me!” “Hello. I agree with him.” “We are about to do something really fantastic unless we decide not to! Drum, roll… belt buckles! Now! Gaze upon us, Scottish Labour Party!” “Gaze upon me, too.” “Not only have we removed our trousers! We are revealing ourself in the entirety of our underpants! Look what nice underpants we’re wearing! Hip hip hoorah!” “Hoorah. I mean: Hoorah!”