BOB JOHNSON RIDES AGAIN! 284

284. REDACTEZ-VOUS

284. REDACTEZ-VOUS

For the past several days, San Luis Obispo’s happiest immigrants from the outside (and far less attractive) world–Dirty Pierre and Lord Peter Mandelpants–have thrown themselves whole-heartedly into their new homes, neighbors and professions! Congratulations to both of you, Dirty Pierre and Lord Peter! San Luis Obispo welcomes you with open arms!

Every morning, Dirty Pierre picks up a tall vanilla latte from his favorite local coffee bar, CAFFEINE GOTTA GO GO, and takes a swim in it before skimming off the whipped cream surface and sitting down with his laptop (a svelte little albino mousette named Copernica Bedrock with luscious pink lips and matching pink eyes) to blow through thousands of Epstein documents a day transforming them into X-mottled rags of obfuscation while maintaining soulful contact with his latest, deepest love in DC–Pam Bondi–via smart phone, Facetime or text. “Eet eese I, mon dieu, Dirty Pierre, and I eese calling you from zee central coast, or what you like to call zee heathen west of evil beings, sacre bleu! As I understand theese things, I am X-ing out all zee names of criminals and fornicators who contribute to your lovely holidays, my adorable Pam, mon dieu, and leaving in zeese names of zee people who deed not contribute to zee Donald’s political campaigns, ooh lah lah! These eese quite fun to do with my little mousette here on my lap “(Eeek eek!”), and we will be redacting day and night until we get it right, mon dieu! And may I also say theese, my adorable Pam, you ease the apple of mon yeux, and eef any human being could be mistaken for a lovely little mousette it would be vouz! Sacre bleu! (“Eek eek!”)

To which the adorable Pam replies (just before slamming down the phone): “Don’t you dare call me a squeaking mouse you stupid loser! Now get redacting–or else!”